Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I really think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.
I have lived the bulk of my life as someone I hate. Periodically, I need a break. I need some time in which I feel like I can actually be me.
To put this another way, I have an abnormal need for me time. I need time to myself. Unfortunately, I'm not getting nearly enough me time.
I don't want to go into too much detail about my home life but let me hit the basics. I currently live with three people and two dogs. Although I love those dogs, I feel like I have to keep my door open at all times in case they need to go out or get into trouble. I even sleep with my bedroom door wide open. The only time I ever lock my door is while changing clothes. In fact, that's pretty much the only time I ever close my door.
Even around people who know me better, I always feel like I have to show constraints. At any time, someone could walk in on me. Despite living with them, there are things that they don't know about me. They also tend to make a big deal out of anything outside of what's normal. This is especially problematic if you realize that I believe in evolving as an individual.
The people around me are also all far more social than I am. If I try to get lost in my own thoughts, they get mad at me for not responding. Even if they aren't trying to push me into their discussions, I tend to struggle with the noise.
I need to be able to lock myself in my room for hours at a time. I need time to just think free from distractions. I need to be able to allow myself to take a break from a life that I hate. Even if our intolerant society insists that I have absolutely no right to be someone that I can respect, I need at least some time to defy them and be me.
No comments:
Post a Comment