Trapped

Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I really think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate job searches? They always go the same way. I start with a goal of not betraying myself. After failing to find a suitable job, I loosen up my requirements. Eventually, I took a job as a mindless drone.

What am I currently doing for a living? I don't want to go into details, but I have been living my life once again as a mindless drone. My job is better defined by what I don't do than what I do. I sacrifice thought. I hide who I really am. I let my strengths go to waste.

Whenever I am working, I am living my life as someone that I can't respect. I hate myself as an employee. Before I took my job, I knew this job was going to be a horrible fit for someone like me. In all honesty, I never should have accepted it.

There is definitely a part of me that wants out. I have been at the same job for close to 15 years even though this job has always been problematic. I am now seriously struggling with burnout. Unfortunately, I just don't see options.

In all honesty, I'm not sure that I can even survive another job search. For this reason, I have been known to say that my current job could very well be my last. I already live a deceptively stressful lifestyle. How can I be sure that I can cope with another painful job search?

Even if I did look for a new job, would it do me any good? There isn't much diversity in the job market right now. Pretty much every job is that of a mindless drone. Can I really justify subjecting myself to a mentally painful job search just to start over again at what is essentially the same job?

At the very least, I can't look for another job while I'm employed. I honestly don't see how I can handle both the continuous self-betrayal demanded by my job and a terrifying job search at the same time. I need at least some time to live as someone that I don't hate.

Of course, I can't exactly quit my job. I'm in far worse financial shape than anyone realizes. Without a job, I don't have enough money to survive.

Let me summarize my problem. I need a job to survive. I'm working at a job that's slowly killing me. I'm not convinced that I can survive a search for another job. Even if I could, it's a safe assumption that I would end up starting over at what is essentially the same job that is slowly killing me. I have become trapped in the life of a mindless drone, a role that is completely unsuitable for someone like me.