My final years?

Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I actually think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.

I live a deceptively stressful lifestyle. This is primarily because we are living in an era of mindless conformity. Deep down, I don't fit the mold. In all honesty, I don't want to fit the mold. Due to extreme intolerance, I have been forced to live the bulk of my life as someone I hate purely for the sake of survival.

I would not consider my current lifestyle to be mentally healthy. The lifestyle that I have been living for the sake of survival could very well be killing me. If things don't change for me, there is a very good chance that I am in my final years.

Survival has become a factor in my everyday decision-making process. I frequently find myself trying to focus on what I need to do before I die. I have also been looking at how certain decisions can potentially impact my survival. Here is a list of certain decisions I have made in recent years because I have been worried about survival.

• I have been trying to document certain ideas that I have had because I don't want them to be lost when my time comes.
• I have been trying to document my life before I die. Although I'm admittedly a nobody, there is a possibility that others can learn from what I have been through.
• I have been saving money aggressively with the intent that it will help out my family when I die.
• If I am struggling to accomplish work on important projects, taking time off with entertainment can actually help me reset my focus. This can help me with the goals above.
• I have cut back on watching sports (but not enough) to avoid additional stress. With the impact stress is already having on my life, I don't need more.