I want to draw out the real me.

I am a good person who has spent most of his life pretending to be a horrible person. There are a number of people that are impressed by who I am. The problem with this is that these people have absolutely no idea who I really am, and who they think I am is someone that I personally hate. Is that confusing enough?

What I have been doing is hiding my better side for fear that people will see me as a horrible person. It’s better to be a good person than appear to be a good person. That is one of my defining beliefs, and I have not been living by it.

My whole life, I have been discouraged. Whenever I try to open up, I become open to mistreatment. I almost immediately follow this mistreatment with a retreat into a life that I don’t approve of.

Not too long ago, I started a website to help me open up. When my website started to have technical problems, I debated whether or not I should save it. I didn’t want to abandon my attempts to better myself, but my site had no signs of life. I couldn’t even get my family to visit. I decided to make some changes. Since the bulk of my website was text, I decided to simplify things by getting a blog.

I have made progress in showing myself, but I still hide when I am out in the world. I frequently show distaste for who I am pretending to be. I frequently tell myself, “Be you.” As long as I have to keep telling myself those two words, I will keep the desire to draw out the real me on my list of desired changes.