I want to treat myself better.

I am not a health nut. That is not going to change. Even so, I shouldn’t act as though my health is irrelevant. Just because the world mistreats me, I shouldn’t feel obligated to mistreat myself.

Since I decided that I needed to treat myself better, I have started walking fairly regularly at Chambers Creek Properties. Due to numerous time-consuming personal projects, I have cut back a little. This isn’t bothering me too much. Since this desired change is clearly about me, my other desired changes are higher priorities.

I want to draw out the real me.

I am a good person who has spent most of his life pretending to be a horrible person. There are a number of people that are impressed by who I am. The problem with this is that these people have absolutely no idea who I really am, and who they think I am is someone that I personally hate. Is that confusing enough?

What I have been doing is hiding my better side for fear that people will see me as a horrible person. It’s better to be a good person than appear to be a good person. That is one of my defining beliefs, and I have not been living by it.

My whole life, I have been discouraged. Whenever I try to open up, I become open to mistreatment. I almost immediately follow this mistreatment with a retreat into a life that I don’t approve of.

Not too long ago, I started a website to help me open up. When my website started to have technical problems, I debated whether or not I should save it. I didn’t want to abandon my attempts to better myself, but my site had no signs of life. I couldn’t even get my family to visit. I decided to make some changes. Since the bulk of my website was text, I decided to simplify things by getting a blog.

I have made progress in showing myself, but I still hide when I am out in the world. I frequently show distaste for who I am pretending to be. I frequently tell myself, “Be you.” As long as I have to keep telling myself those two words, I will keep the desire to draw out the real me on my list of desired changes.

Desired Changes

After I finished writing my list of defining beliefs, I realized that I wasn’t who I want to be. I followed this up with a list of changes that I would like to make in order to be a better person. I came up with three primary things that I want to do.

1. I want to draw out the real me.
   
2. I want to treat myself better.
   
3. I want to try new things.

Like some of my other posts, I intend to go a little deeper in the future regarding these desired changes.