I really should quit my job

I have long insisted that we should all strive to evolve as individuals. For various reasons, I have not been following my own advice. This includes problems that I have with the response to change. As one of my many self-evaluations, I have decided to look into what kinds of changes I really should make in my life. Unfortunately, obstacles will likely be too much for me to overcome.

Every job search has been the same for me. I start with one condition. I don't want a job that requires me to betray myself. As the job search continues, I eventually give up and accept a job that requires me to betray myself.

I knew my current job was a lousy fit when I took it. I have now been there over 15 years. This hasn't exactly gotten easier over time. Right now, I feel completely drained. I don't know how much more I have left to give.

There's no question that my problems are impacting my performance, although I'm not sure how well others are seeing it. On multiple occasions, I have had thoughts along the lines of, "I really hope I'm not still here when..." I have also become increasingly disconnected with my coworkers. That's not simply backsliding. I have made a conscious effort to reduce my connection with a job that I'm sick of.

Why don't I just quit? There are two very big obstacles that are in my way. One is that the people closest to me make a big deal out of change. If I spontaneously quit one day, I would never hear the end of it. I would not cope very well with that kind of attention.

There's a much bigger problem than uncomfortable attention. I don't have a plan b. If I quit my job, what would I do next?

I already have a tight budget. Although I could really use a break from work, I need a job. Unfortunately, my job searches have always been excruciating. I eventually abandon my values and take jobs that require me to betray myself. Every job that I have ever had has been the same. Can I justify an excruciating job search just to start over again at what is essentially the same job?

I'm not cut out to live the life of a mindless drone. I can't be content with filling a role. Although I am capable of far more than this, I have yet to see an alternative path. I am ready to move on, but to what? That's primarily what has been keeping me at my current job.