I want to be me

Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I really think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.

I used to be a good student in school. I thought precisely what my teachers wanted me to think. I gradually learned more and more about what the schools were actually doing. This led me to the conclusion that a mindless lifestyle simply wasn't for me.

Teaching is a highly intolerant profession. Once my teachers realized that I deviated from their narrow and rigid mold, they turned against me. They actively threatened my entire future if I didn't let them mold my mind into mush. Fearing discrimination, I stuck with the process long enough to acquire my mindless drone certification. I hate that piece of paper. It completely misrepresents who I am.

Apparently, schools do a better job preparing people for the real world than I realized. We are living in an era of extreme intolerance. Absolutely everyone is expected to be the exact same person. Society quickly turned against me for trying to be more than a mere product of our schools.

I can't win a fight against all of society. For this reason, I have lived the bulk of my life as just another schooling-certified mindless drone. To date, this is the only way that I have found to survive. Absolutely everything that I care about has been bottled up. My life is far better defined by what I have suppressed than what I have accomplished.

I hate who society has forced me to be on the surface. Deep down, my non-conformist rejection of over-the-top mindlessness remains intact, and I have to admit that I like that side of me. This creates a serious conflict. I hate who I am on the surface but like my deeper side. Society is absolutely intolerant of my deeper side but supportive of my inferior mindless side.

It shouldn't be so difficult to live as someone I can respect, especially in a supposedly free country. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a path that has any potential whatsoever to take me in the right direction. Just to survive, I must dedicate my life to being someone I hate. I must be just like the mindless masses. There are reasons that I take offense to such insults as being human or a person. I'm better than that much like I'm better than the stupid piece of paper that is inappropriately used to define who I am. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be me. Regardless of what the mindless masses want, I want to be me.