I need change

Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I really think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.

I have lived the bulk of my life as someone I hate. This has taken a serious toll on my mental health. How much more do I have left in me? I'm not sure.

I like who I am at a deeper level. This is why I frequently insist that one of my biggest goals in life is to be me. Living in an era of extreme intolerance, I have yet to find a way to survive as myself.

Who am I? I am an individual and a big believer in independent thought. These are traits that I believe make me capable of changing the world.

Admittedly, my ability to change the world is primarily focused on developing big ideas rather than implementation. I have been repeatedly told not to learn. This was a foundational flaw embedded in the schools I attended. Even after leaving these mentally destructive facilities, I kept hearing the same message. I simply didn't have it in me to keep fighting every time I was told not to learn.

I believe in evolving as an individual. To date, I have not lived my life according to this belief. To be who I feel I need to be, I need change in my life. This includes bettering myself. It also includes correcting past mistakes.

Have you ever seen a sitcom where a female buys a new dress or changes her hairstyle? This overdone plot point isn't nearly as popular as we push against gender stereotypes, but there are definitely implications of this mindset when it comes to people like me. I simply can't handle that kind of attention, which is one issue that has seriously held me back.

My ideas are big. Even if I could develop the skills required to implement my ideas, I will never be able to do any of it on my own. This provided further discouragement. Of course, societal intolerance provided even more discouragement. I have been told my whole life that I have no right to be me. This is something that I have never been able to overcome in this "free" country of ours.

When brainstorming, I have considered the possibility of taking a year off just to pursue change. This might make it easier for me to better myself and correct past mistakes. I could also push simply to try new things. Although I have been told that I hate change, I have reached a point in which I am desperate for change. Embracing a new lifestyle that embraces change definitely fits my interests regarding who I want to be.

Unfortunately, I have not found a way to overcome obstacles. Intolerance, uncomfortable attention, finances, and more have trapped me in a life that I hate. I deserve better than my current life. I just can't seem to find a path that will work.