What’s worse, job searches or a job that’s a horrible fit?

Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I actually think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.

For someone like me, job searches are mentally unhealthy. I don't fit the mold. There is continuous pressure to increasingly betray myself until I become someone that I hate but is deemed employable. I always end up at what is essentially the same job, which is a job that is completely unsuitable for someone like me.

When I was hired for my current job, I considered the possibility that this could be my last job ever. I was deeply concerned that I might not be able to survive another job search. The problem with this is that my job is an absolutely horrible fit for me. I never should have taken the job, but I just couldn't handle the job search process anymore.

I have been living my life as someone I hate purely for the sake of survival. After all, you can't make it in this world without some form of revenue. There is definitely a reason that I have been known to refer to my life as deceptively stressful.

I don't have a proper way to release stress. The more time I spend without meaningful change, the more stress builds up. As long as things don't change, just living my life is becoming more hazardous. In a sense, my job is slowly killing me.

There are reasons that I feel trapped. I am living a lifestyle that's killing me. I'm not convinced that I can survive the process of finding another job. Even if I did, it likely wouldn't fix anything because I would end up starting over again at what is essentially the same job. For mainstream conformists, this shouldn't be a problem. For me, I have a very difficult decision. Do I keep a job that's slowly killing me, or do I go through a painful process that could kill me so that I can find myself in the exact same situation in which I have a job that is slowly killing me?