Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Living my life as someone I hate

I know that I've mentioned this before. For the sake of adding this to the Challenges of Being Me, I'm going to have to bring it up again. I have been living two (or more) lives.

Deep down, I'm a big believer in independent thought. I try not to allow anything to hinder my thought process, including social acceptability standards. Since conformity is the only way to fit our narrow and rigid perspective of social acceptability, all independent thinkers in the modern world are social outcasts.

Problems with independent thought were obvious back in my school years. I never had a teacher who was tolerant of thought or individuality. Unfortunately, I ran into more of the same when I finally managed to escape from our mental prison system. Among my problems was that I couldn't get a job as myself.

I ultimately gave in to societal pressures… sort of. Who I was diverged into private and public personas. Who I am deep down, I like but society hates. Who I am around others, the public seems to like but I hate. In many ways, this came about for the sake of survival.

I'm not working hard to meet strict deadlines. Instead, I'm living my life as someone I hate out of fear for my survival. I may not have the lifestyle that most people associate with stress, but there's no question that my lifestyle qualifies as stressful.

This blog tries to give me some release for who I prefer to be, but there are still ways in which I hold back. There are also ways in which I can be worse. Stress absolutely can impact my mental health, and this can impact how well I can articulate some of my views. A lot of my writing has an element of anger that can potentially distract from the points that I'm trying to make.

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