Bad guy

Periodically, I need to just vent. I have decided to put together several posts for that very reason. I'm not just pushing myself to open up, but I'm actually willing to go beyond what I really think on a number of issues. This is one of these posts. Expect this to turn out as an incomprehensible irrational rant.

I am a good guy who appears to be a bad guy pretending to be a bad guy who appears to be a good guy. Do you know what that makes me? A bad guy.

I don't want to be a bad guy. I want to do good. The problem is that living in an era of extreme intolerance, I have only found a way to survive by betraying myself. I have spent a substantial portion of my life doing what I know to be wrong. Knowingly doing wrong is not characteristic of good guys.

The so-called land of the free has devolved into a conform-or-die nation. As much as I despise the mold, I have had to live my life as part of the mold purely for the sake of survival. To fit the mold, you must be a bad guy. I don't want to die a bad guy, but I have yet to find another path.

Another way to look at this is that I have provided a negative value to society. I have not been able to contribute in any meaningful way, even though I am certainly capable of doing so. Because of my lack of contributions, I view myself as a drain on society. If I’m honest with myself, the world would be better off without who I have been so far. That’s a horrible feeling.